The Daily Fail reports that the end is nigh.
'Philae to make fillet of population'
Following the discovery of life on the surface of Comet 67P, the Philae lander has now begun communicating back to earth in a new language, of which the only known translation has been of one word, 'Megatron'.
Widespread panic has now ensued although world leaders are playing down the imminent attack, stating that this is the combined work of Russian, Chinese and IS hackers seeking to divert attention away from their intentions of world domination.
When the US President was asked why the trajectory of the comet had changed to a path of collision with the Falkland Islands, he responded by saying that Bruce Willis had been placed on standby but also stated that he WILL continue to pay taxes and that this was a clear demonstration that the US was committed to closing tax avoidance loopholes.
Optimus Prime was unavailable for comment as he is currently vacationing in the Kuiper belt and any communication will take too long to reach him in time anyway.
Argentina have distanced themselves from any involvement, issuing a statement to say that whilst they consider the Malvinas as theirs, all blame for speculation must be placed in the hands of Jeremy Clarkson and any declaration of war by the UK will result in the withdrawal of Top Gear from viewing schedules.
Heston Blumenthal, Jamie Oliver, McDonalds and Rick Stein have rushed to remove all elements of 'fillet' from their menus but deny any connection to the news report.
Any impending collision will at least remove the 90 feet of snow currently occupying Florida, relieving the fears of Mickey mouse, who had been spotted by paparazzi entering the Betty Ford clinic following repeated bouts of drinking and an alleged assault on estranged wife Minnie.
Feminist activists have been quick to condemn such, as yet unsubstantiated rumours, stating that "The end of the world is no excuse for acts of domestic violence" and have called for the misogynistic statue of Walt Disney to be removed with immediate effect as it is an offence to equality.
Santa Clause refutes allegations that panic is due to Rudolph being infected with the Bird Flu strain H5N8, therefore negating the ability for him to deliver all Christmas presents this year. He issued a statement to say that this was simply a conspiracy theory and is adamant that scientific research has not yet established that the virus can be transmitted from birds to reindeer.
Turkey, Goose and Duck have not been declassified as a danger to the public because there will not be enough time for any virus to have any lasting effect due to the imminent end of the world. and sales are booming, although there has been a 50% increase in price from Tesco in order to balance the books correctly this year.
In order to safeguard the future of humanity, a global taskforce has been setup to create two of the largest interplanetary vehicles ever constructed by mankind. Initial costs are estimated to be $120 million but according to a report from the OECD, this will likely escalate to approximately $100 trillion.
In light of such expenditure, plans for HS2 have been delayed.
Each interplanetary vehicle will also contain terraforming technology to enable to colonisation of Mars and Venus.
Men will be sent to Mars and women to Venus, which is expected to have an additional benefit of reducing the human population explosion.
Licensing for tickets for the flights has been issued to Ticketmaster, where charges will range from $10,000,000 for a seat near to the cockpit, reducing to just $1,000,000 for the cheap seats at the back.
Ticket touting has been outlawed with immediate effect but rules on early release of pension funds remain unchanged.
The Prime Minister stated that whilst the older generations are important to society, it is the young that have to shape the future and therefore must be given priority.
Additionally, because the space required for wheelchair access and provision is not cost effective, only the able bodied would be able to purchase tickets.
When asked if this meant that he himself would therefore be excluded from purchasing a seat on the flight, he stated that world leaders have to be included in order that their skills be continued to be utilised to establish business on the new worlds, where growth has to be considered to be the number one priority of Government.
He did issue his heartfelt condolences to the other party leaders and wished them well with their future endeavours.
All prospective flight candidates will be fitted with Borg style implants that will monitor all activity, including active analysis of bowel movements to detect the presence of bugs that may require revocation of boarding passes.
With the fuel payload required to power the vehicles, all rules and regulations of fracking have been suspended and 10,000 sites have been earmarked for immediate construction and extraction of gas.
5,000 of these sites have been allocated to Scotland and the remaining to the North and Midlands.
The leader of the opposition has been quick to condemn what he describes as "an attack on the poor of the North as well as a clear indication of Government's disgraceful attitude to Scotland" but the PM laughed off such criticism, reminding the labour leader that because London and the South East have consistently demonstrated the majority creation of wealth during the time of the current Government, that these regions should not be punished for their economic endeavours that have saved the rest of the country from abject poverty.
The Lord Mayor of London was quick to come to the aid of the PM, adding that he will be putting his name forward for the elections of New London on Mars.
Homeowners concerned about the effects of fracking have been advised to contact their insurance companies to renegotiate insurance policies.
Wonga announce their new home insurance TV ad, featuring Alien Meerkats.
The deputy PM issued a statement that the NHS will remain in public ownership, adding that "at this time, these important and vital services will continue to provide the excellent support for the general public".
The UKIP leader acted angrily at the finding of his own internal report (spilling his pint in the process) that revealed the fact that not all white, British people will be saved, accusing the Government of giving preference to non-nationals who have contributed little to society.
Whitehall has acted swiftly to dismiss such accusations, stating that this was simply a case of economic reality and the deficit caused by the last Government was the cause of inability for all to be saved.
All drugs have been declassified as criminal and the public are now free to smoke, push and inject all that they desire.
It is hoped that this will generate such mass stupor that will result in relief of the already strained resources of the NHS, as well as allowing a happier ending.
The Home Secretary has advised the public not to panic buy stocks of food and that any looting and rioting will not be tolerated.
The home guard have been placed on full alert and issued with updated Tasers, although reports of these devices having the nickname of the AK47 have been strenuously denied by the MOD. The new motto for the home guard is "we're doomed!".
Greenpeace proudly proclaim that their claims of global warming were correct all along. Nobody was yet countered such claims.
In other news:
Freddie Starr finally admits that he did eat the Hamster but the Director of Public Prosecutions has stated that there will be no further action against the hamster as it is not in the public interest to do so.
Mars incorporated have filed a patent claim for the new home, stating that they have all rights to future chocolate bar allocation.
David Bowie also plans to open up a new arachnid centre.
Porsche announce plans to cancel the release of their new signature James Dean 911 edition.
Reports are expected soon to confirm who really shot JFK.
Alan Sugar announces a new, expanded formation of the Apprentice. Firing will now mean ejection from one of the space vehicles.
David Icke issues a proclamation that he could have saved the world had people listened to him.
Manchester United have been proclaimed Premier League Champions. Concerns have however been expressed at the appointment of new FA Chief Executive, Sir Alex Ferguson.
Latest news on the attempted injunction filed by the Freddie Laker estate has failed following the successful sole bid of Virgin airlines to brand the interplanetary vehicles. The Government denies any conflict of interest and reiterates that the bidding process was fair but will carry out an internal investigation, with a report due in 2112, where there will be an expected rush to read it.
Jordan cancels plans for her next marriage, opting for a new boob job instead.
The Daily Star issues holiday vouchers for only £9.99, to selective exotic resorts such as Death Valley, Antarctica, Afghanistan and a two for one offer on a Somalia cruise ship.
Shares in all paid dating sites fall to record lows. Despite this, investors rush in for a prospective fire sale in the hope that their expectations will be matched.
Angelina Jolie expresses wishes to adopt an orphan Martian.
The BBC cancels plans to repeat Life on Earth but still insists that this has no bearing on the value for money of the licence fee.
Steven Spielberg announces the follow up to E.T.
The USA plans to plant the first flag on Venus and Mars and warns Russia against intervention.
The Russian leader responds by threatening to invade Mercury and set up a strategic missile base.
Cuban cigars sales rise in anticipation of a new standoff.
JUST IN, BREAKING NEWS:
A communique has been received from Mars.
President Little Green Man issues warnings of strict immigration control, where only those of green complexion and 6 legs will be allowed in.
Women rejoice and Ann Summers immediately announce their new line, called the 'Rocket in your pocket'. Sales are expected to go through the stratosphere.
And finally ......
The Sun newspaper lead headline for tomorrow 'Will the last person to leave earth please turn out the lights'
So in event of only having 18 days before impact, what would you do?
Do you hope to Wanna Miss A Thing?
'Philae to make fillet of population'
Following the discovery of life on the surface of Comet 67P, the Philae lander has now begun communicating back to earth in a new language, of which the only known translation has been of one word, 'Megatron'.
Widespread panic has now ensued although world leaders are playing down the imminent attack, stating that this is the combined work of Russian, Chinese and IS hackers seeking to divert attention away from their intentions of world domination.
When the US President was asked why the trajectory of the comet had changed to a path of collision with the Falkland Islands, he responded by saying that Bruce Willis had been placed on standby but also stated that he WILL continue to pay taxes and that this was a clear demonstration that the US was committed to closing tax avoidance loopholes.
Optimus Prime was unavailable for comment as he is currently vacationing in the Kuiper belt and any communication will take too long to reach him in time anyway.
Argentina have distanced themselves from any involvement, issuing a statement to say that whilst they consider the Malvinas as theirs, all blame for speculation must be placed in the hands of Jeremy Clarkson and any declaration of war by the UK will result in the withdrawal of Top Gear from viewing schedules.
Heston Blumenthal, Jamie Oliver, McDonalds and Rick Stein have rushed to remove all elements of 'fillet' from their menus but deny any connection to the news report.
Any impending collision will at least remove the 90 feet of snow currently occupying Florida, relieving the fears of Mickey mouse, who had been spotted by paparazzi entering the Betty Ford clinic following repeated bouts of drinking and an alleged assault on estranged wife Minnie.
Feminist activists have been quick to condemn such, as yet unsubstantiated rumours, stating that "The end of the world is no excuse for acts of domestic violence" and have called for the misogynistic statue of Walt Disney to be removed with immediate effect as it is an offence to equality.
Santa Clause refutes allegations that panic is due to Rudolph being infected with the Bird Flu strain H5N8, therefore negating the ability for him to deliver all Christmas presents this year. He issued a statement to say that this was simply a conspiracy theory and is adamant that scientific research has not yet established that the virus can be transmitted from birds to reindeer.
Turkey, Goose and Duck have not been declassified as a danger to the public because there will not be enough time for any virus to have any lasting effect due to the imminent end of the world. and sales are booming, although there has been a 50% increase in price from Tesco in order to balance the books correctly this year.
In order to safeguard the future of humanity, a global taskforce has been setup to create two of the largest interplanetary vehicles ever constructed by mankind. Initial costs are estimated to be $120 million but according to a report from the OECD, this will likely escalate to approximately $100 trillion.
In light of such expenditure, plans for HS2 have been delayed.
Each interplanetary vehicle will also contain terraforming technology to enable to colonisation of Mars and Venus.
Men will be sent to Mars and women to Venus, which is expected to have an additional benefit of reducing the human population explosion.
Licensing for tickets for the flights has been issued to Ticketmaster, where charges will range from $10,000,000 for a seat near to the cockpit, reducing to just $1,000,000 for the cheap seats at the back.
Ticket touting has been outlawed with immediate effect but rules on early release of pension funds remain unchanged.
The Prime Minister stated that whilst the older generations are important to society, it is the young that have to shape the future and therefore must be given priority.
Additionally, because the space required for wheelchair access and provision is not cost effective, only the able bodied would be able to purchase tickets.
When asked if this meant that he himself would therefore be excluded from purchasing a seat on the flight, he stated that world leaders have to be included in order that their skills be continued to be utilised to establish business on the new worlds, where growth has to be considered to be the number one priority of Government.
He did issue his heartfelt condolences to the other party leaders and wished them well with their future endeavours.
All prospective flight candidates will be fitted with Borg style implants that will monitor all activity, including active analysis of bowel movements to detect the presence of bugs that may require revocation of boarding passes.
With the fuel payload required to power the vehicles, all rules and regulations of fracking have been suspended and 10,000 sites have been earmarked for immediate construction and extraction of gas.
5,000 of these sites have been allocated to Scotland and the remaining to the North and Midlands.
The leader of the opposition has been quick to condemn what he describes as "an attack on the poor of the North as well as a clear indication of Government's disgraceful attitude to Scotland" but the PM laughed off such criticism, reminding the labour leader that because London and the South East have consistently demonstrated the majority creation of wealth during the time of the current Government, that these regions should not be punished for their economic endeavours that have saved the rest of the country from abject poverty.
The Lord Mayor of London was quick to come to the aid of the PM, adding that he will be putting his name forward for the elections of New London on Mars.
Homeowners concerned about the effects of fracking have been advised to contact their insurance companies to renegotiate insurance policies.
Wonga announce their new home insurance TV ad, featuring Alien Meerkats.
The deputy PM issued a statement that the NHS will remain in public ownership, adding that "at this time, these important and vital services will continue to provide the excellent support for the general public".
The UKIP leader acted angrily at the finding of his own internal report (spilling his pint in the process) that revealed the fact that not all white, British people will be saved, accusing the Government of giving preference to non-nationals who have contributed little to society.
Whitehall has acted swiftly to dismiss such accusations, stating that this was simply a case of economic reality and the deficit caused by the last Government was the cause of inability for all to be saved.
All drugs have been declassified as criminal and the public are now free to smoke, push and inject all that they desire.
It is hoped that this will generate such mass stupor that will result in relief of the already strained resources of the NHS, as well as allowing a happier ending.
The Home Secretary has advised the public not to panic buy stocks of food and that any looting and rioting will not be tolerated.
The home guard have been placed on full alert and issued with updated Tasers, although reports of these devices having the nickname of the AK47 have been strenuously denied by the MOD. The new motto for the home guard is "we're doomed!".
Greenpeace proudly proclaim that their claims of global warming were correct all along. Nobody was yet countered such claims.
In other news:
Freddie Starr finally admits that he did eat the Hamster but the Director of Public Prosecutions has stated that there will be no further action against the hamster as it is not in the public interest to do so.
Mars incorporated have filed a patent claim for the new home, stating that they have all rights to future chocolate bar allocation.
David Bowie also plans to open up a new arachnid centre.
Porsche announce plans to cancel the release of their new signature James Dean 911 edition.
Reports are expected soon to confirm who really shot JFK.
Alan Sugar announces a new, expanded formation of the Apprentice. Firing will now mean ejection from one of the space vehicles.
David Icke issues a proclamation that he could have saved the world had people listened to him.
Manchester United have been proclaimed Premier League Champions. Concerns have however been expressed at the appointment of new FA Chief Executive, Sir Alex Ferguson.
Latest news on the attempted injunction filed by the Freddie Laker estate has failed following the successful sole bid of Virgin airlines to brand the interplanetary vehicles. The Government denies any conflict of interest and reiterates that the bidding process was fair but will carry out an internal investigation, with a report due in 2112, where there will be an expected rush to read it.
Jordan cancels plans for her next marriage, opting for a new boob job instead.
The Daily Star issues holiday vouchers for only £9.99, to selective exotic resorts such as Death Valley, Antarctica, Afghanistan and a two for one offer on a Somalia cruise ship.
Shares in all paid dating sites fall to record lows. Despite this, investors rush in for a prospective fire sale in the hope that their expectations will be matched.
Angelina Jolie expresses wishes to adopt an orphan Martian.
The BBC cancels plans to repeat Life on Earth but still insists that this has no bearing on the value for money of the licence fee.
Steven Spielberg announces the follow up to E.T.
The USA plans to plant the first flag on Venus and Mars and warns Russia against intervention.
The Russian leader responds by threatening to invade Mercury and set up a strategic missile base.
Cuban cigars sales rise in anticipation of a new standoff.
JUST IN, BREAKING NEWS:
A communique has been received from Mars.
President Little Green Man issues warnings of strict immigration control, where only those of green complexion and 6 legs will be allowed in.
Women rejoice and Ann Summers immediately announce their new line, called the 'Rocket in your pocket'. Sales are expected to go through the stratosphere.
And finally ......
The Sun newspaper lead headline for tomorrow 'Will the last person to leave earth please turn out the lights'
So in event of only having 18 days before impact, what would you do?
Do you hope to Wanna Miss A Thing?
.gif "ROTFLMAO")
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