Fortunately, the firmware upgrade software Phoenix Suite also functions as a basic unbricker, which works as long as you can get your device into download/upgrade mode. The bad news is that this method will perform a full wipe and you'll lose all of your data - but the good news is that you'll be able to choose which .img file you want to flash, meaning you can flash any of Guessyet's pre-rooted ROMs.
In retrospect, this method should've been fairly obvious to myself from the beginning, being that I've already flashed numerous ROMs on my device using PhoenixSuite. Indeed I'm sure many of you may have figured this out already on your own. But for some reason it took quite a while for this to click inside my head, so just in case anyone else runs into a soft-brick problem similar to mine, I figured I'd go ahead and post this in order to prevent any unnecessary "OMFG HELLLLPPP MEEEE I BRICKED IT!!!" posts.
In case it doesn't pop up on your computer, here is the method to prep your device:
